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Let's try this again...

So I am happy to have a few new friends here on LJ. I swear it had gotten kinda lonely over here on this site, so it is nice to see new faces. I do love posting here and actually having a place to place my thoughts.

Well I guess I should give a bit of back ground for the new peeps.
Cut to not take up 101 pages..lolCollapse )
This might be my once a year post...or maybe I will finally start using this damn thing again like I would love to. Time shall tell....

Life has kinda been crazy lately. Here I thought going back to school full time and not working a "real" job would like life easier. But I feel much more busy than I did doing the Vet Tech gig full time and working too much. Thing is I am doing school, homework, seeing people clients, working on horses for my income, and then trying to put a social life in the cracks of time I have left. Crazy sauce I tell you.

School itself takes up the most of my week. All day Monday-Thursday I am in class and learning. Friday afternoons I am working in the student massage clinic till late. That leaves me the weekends to catch up on life and do my horse work. I have had good luck getting friends to be available for my hands on home works...even the odd ones that people might not enjoy like the diaphragm or something. This also leads to people wanting to have actual full body sessions and I am okay with that. They get a free massage and I get hands on time for experience. Win Win.
I will be done with school come the first of November. And I can say I am very ready for it. Going to sign up for the state boards soon and get that all done. Bad thing is even if I get all my shit together the day I graduate the state drags their butts and you usually have to wait a month before you get your license. I will take it as a time to rest and get ready to head into my new profession. Plus it is around the holidays so it works out well.

The horse massage is starting to get fairly busy. It has always been a struggle to get my name out there when I was working full time and did not have the ability or time. Now I am getting out more, sponsoring some riders, and volunteering at club functions. All good ways to meet people and be seen. And I have some fabulous friends in TN who are really pimping me out in my hometown area. I just got back from a four day trip and had about 15 horses to see! Which is a lot of work in such a short time. Hope to see the growth continue.

Social life has been slow. I do not get to see many of my friends...the few I have anyways. I really feel like I know a lot of people but few seem to be interested in actually being my friend. But the ones I have I totally appreciate and love to death. Vern is big on being social so it keeps me out and about.

Gracie has been doing really well. I had hoped to show a bit more and aim for year end awards. But sadly I don't really have the money to make it to the two shows I would need to go to. Sigh. Should be okay..I mean it was only Intro level and schooling shows at that. Just would have been nice to finally DO something with the mare. Next year right??
And then we can go out at Training or even First level and kick butt. haha

Speaking of the barn I am going to head out and ride cause today is amazing out.

May. 2nd, 2012

I must say I might just start looking for a new barn for Gracie. While I love the care she gets for the most part, everything else is kinda not what I want.
The BO never cashes the board check until weeks after you give it to her...and sometimes has even lost it and asks for a second one!
I really do miss having people to ride with and talk horses too.
After my rant yesterday one of the boarder's boyfriends was there spewing crap about how unnatural it was to cut a horses mane and make them go around with there head all tucked in.
UUHHH hi there buddy that is kinda my horse you are talking about!
And none of that is cruel. What is cruel is how the horse that bucked your girl friend's daughter off is now being labeled as crazy before you do anything to rule out pain as a cause!

And then tonight was kinda the kicker. There are four pigs moving onto the farm. Okay fine..no biggie. Until I learned they are getting one of the horse pastures. Thing is the farm is small and has limited turnout. So why take precious pasture and turn it into a mud pit for pigs?
To make it better that pasture is right next to the ring! So every horse is going to lose it's ever living mind at the pigs each time we ride.
Cause about a year ago a neighbor's pig escaped and kept coming out of the woods next to the ring and all the horse's became very upset with that part of the ring. It passed once the pig went home, but goes to show horses do not like pigs.

Ugh. I just want to be at a barn where it is not a small zoo. We have turkeys and chickens that run around cause they escape from their pens. Now there are pigs. What is next??

Anyways...I think I might look discretely and see what I can find for Gracie and I. If I could find a place that is closer to home I would be super happy. This barn is a good 45 minutes away...so really makes it tough to go out there.
So I woke up this morning with my right jaw throbbing in pain which of course just radiated up my whole head. This lead me to decide to skip school today and just stay home. I could barely walk as it was the pain was so high. Damn TMJ issues from 101 dentist visits last year.

Well in the end I felt better by lunch time but really could not drag myself out of the house to go to my second class. While I love massage school I just cannot get into Reflexology at all.
Oh well...we are all allowed a mental health day right??

Sitting here though trying to make myself go out to the barn. I really want to ride, but I just get damn lonely out there. And that makes it hard to ride some days.
I love the barn and they take excellent care of Gracie. But besides me there are only three other boarders and they all barrel race. So we might chit chat for a minute but I cannot horsey geek out with them. I hate to say there that as I do not care what others ride. But you can see their eyes gloss over when I talk about anything dressage or english related. And you can tell they think my hot and spooky TB is just crazy, and why can't she act more like their quarter horses.
I am still kinda new to the area and really have not been able to make many horse friends at all. And I want to. I want to go to shows with friends, or hacks, or just go hang out and be horsey with people who understand.
None of my other friends get it. They think I spend way to much money on Gracie and why would I really ride 3-4 times a week anyways.

I am just kinda whining but I loved my circle of horsey friends in TN. I miss that.
And the massage clients I have down here I am trying my best not to just grab onto and say "be my friend!!!" NOT at all professional in any sense of the meaning.

I will go ride today. Cause I want to see my mare mare. And plus she is finally back to normal after a fractured tooth sidelined us followed by her poll being out. So between me and the chiro we fixed the poll issue, and my vet fixed the tooth. So I can finally ride again.
And she needs it as I can tell she is bored just standing around the barn/fields.

Oh and it is nice being back here...why the hell so I always read and never write!!??!!

Here we are again.

I must say that Facebook while entertaining has totally changed the way I keep up with most of my friends. So many of them posted on here all the time and I was able to follow their adventures and thoughts with actual detail. Now it is reduced to such small busts that it really loses so much contact. I kid myself into thinking I know what is going on with friends but really I dont. I know just the bare minimum of what is going on in their day to day life.
It is kinda sad it has come to that. I miss LJ being a bigger meeting place for friends.
I have gotten out of posting on here myself from a lack of an audience. Yet if I go back to the beginning (and good lord I started posting in here ten years ago!) I used this journal for my own means. It was a release of my thoughts and emotions, and a place to keep tabs on what I was doing.
Now I am going along with the masses on FB putting my life into small 2-3 sentence bursts.
Lame.

So the whole point of this rant is to say I am going back. Sure I will still be on FB and keep tabs on everyone. But I am also going to make a habit of using this journal again for my own amusement.
I will link to FB and if any decide to read then great.
If any decide to come back to LJ even better.
AND if anyone decided to make an account that just adds to the goodness.

I did try other blogs but none felt as comfortable as LJ. Maybe it is because I started off writing on the web here, so it is like home for me. Or maybe I am just silly.
It may be both.

We shall see how often this does occur, but I would like to think I can put out a few posts a week.
I do have a TON to get out of my head on paper.
And no holding back like I have before.

So if anyone reads this, has a LJ, and wants to add me please do!!

I am always up for more friends.

Nov. 7th, 2010

I started one post but found it to be a whine fest and I couldn't handle it anymore.

Sure I am in a funk.
These long nights alone in this big house kill me.
But for now I cant do anything about it.
The house will sell when it sells.
Or I will find a job in ATL and move before it sells.
Either way I will be moving towards my ultimate goal at that point.
I HATE waiting.
I don't have a lot of patience. I will admit that.
When I want to do something I want it then and there.
Or at least to know when it will come about.
I don't do the waiting game well.
And the fact that right now I cant seem to get anything to go along with my ultimate plan is driving me nuts.
I am really going to push next week and send out lots of resumes to clinics in the ATL area.
Hopefully I can find something that will be a good place to work, and pay me decently.

I am just treading water right now in life. I am in limbo and it sucks.
I have been set free to do as I want, and I have been wanting that since I lost it.
So I just want to throw myself in head first and GO!!
Living in TN was just a temporary stop for me to be near by family when they needed it...i.e. when grandpa was sick. But that reason is very much in the past and I have been unhappy.
I don't know what the future holds, but I know I will work my hardest to find what is best for me.
I will not compromise myself again like I have done in the past. It never lead anywhere that made me happy.

Though I will say it is nice to know that I have Vern in my life. Sure he has been there for over 12 years as one of my closest friends. But now it is that and so much more. That makes dealing with all this shit okay.
Not fun, but manageable.
Once I get to ATL I am looking forward to seeing just how good life can be.
For the first time in any relationship I have been in I feel content. I do not worry about tomorrow. I do not look for the next shoe to drop. And I don't dwell on the past like I have found myself to do before. This time I look to the past, but to heal from it, not wallow in it.
It is a refreshing change.
I am glad he is making me a better person.
I needed that most of all right now in life.

So for now I am a bitchy Amanda stuck in the hell hole of TN and all its southern habits.
But hopefully soon life will turn around and allow me to move forward in life.
And then Gracie, the cats, and I will pack up and move our asses on to ATL and a new life.

Down for the count

Since the whole divorce thing came up pretty much 4 months ago I have been working...and working some more.
I started to pick up more hours at the vet clinic I work at. I am up to pretty much a full time status with them. Had been hired on for maybe 20 hours a week.
I am also still promoting my massage business and seeing clients. Usually a handful a week right now.
On occasion I also do pet sitting (like I am right now), and have had 4-5 jobs that average about a week each.
On top of that I have the house to take care of, all my cats to manage, and Gracie to take care of and ride when possible.
So add all that together and I am constantly doing something. I really never have a day off to do nothing. I am always playing catchup with something or another.

Sure, this doesnt seem too bad. It is not like I havent had similiar schedules multiple times in my life. Plus I am not much of a slacker so it is okay with me to be busy.
BUT.
I cant do it anymore. Just working 40 hours a week zaps all my energy and strength. Then add in all the other stuff I do and I am a walking zombie.

I did well for the first few months. I was hard, stubborn, and all that a Moretz is...damn my genes!!!
But over the last month I have felt more and more of disease everyday. It is a weight that slowly gets heavier as time goes on.
This week it hit me full on upside my head.

What you ask do I feel exactly??
First is the fatugue. I sleep, but I never get good sleep that leaves your body restored. For some reason Fibro makes it hard for my body to stay in deep/REM sleep. So I wake up feeling totally unrested and like I didnt just sleep for 10 hours.
Over time this adds up and my brain just shuts off. I start forgetting things, cant talk straight and cross my words, I get aggitated easily, I get upset easily. It is normally refered to as "fibro fog".

Then there is the pain. Everyday it is in a different location. Somedays its just in a few spots, others it is my entire body. It is a very odd kind of pain to describe. It is like a smoldering fire that has been set in my joints or even my muscle. It is like a tightening of all my fibers (ie fascia) around my muscle/joints that is slowly squeezing tighter. I will feel sharp shooting pains at times. It can really be a whole slew of different pains.

I cant sit still long in one position. I get horrible uncomfortable and the pain increases. So I figit alot. I am sure people notice it.

Beyond that it can cause other issues. It seems to cause a cystitis in my bladder which is probably why I am always peeing (something that has gone on for over 10 years really). I also get some periods of stomach ick...just nauseaus and dont want to eat and if I do my stomach starts to hate me.
I have vertigo issues that have been linked in some to Fibro. It comes and goes, but I hate when it is there as I am constantly stumbling around.

Sadly I dont talk about this a lot. I feel like people will think I am making it up. Its all in my head. Or that all I do is whine about it. But it is something very real to me and affects me daily. Some days are better than others and I treasure those days.

But this last part of my life has not been what I need for my health. I have gone backwards from where I was. I was managing it quite well and feeling pretty good. But working and all the other stress factors have added up to a mess of an AJ.
I hit rock bottom yesterday at work. I could barely function. Opening a door was hard as my hands just fumbled like they had no strength.
Today I cleaned my three litter boxes and I was exhausted afterwards.
All I did yesterday afternoon and today was sleep. And sleep some more.
It would take another few days of that to get back to where I need to be. But I go back to work tomorrow for the whole week.

Sadly I dont see any relief in sight. For that to happen I need to sell my house. So far only one possible buyer and they didnt come through with a written offer. So I am waiting and hoping that it doesnt take forever. If it will sell I plan on moving and then starting school. Sure I will be busy with that, but I will be able to manage myself a little better.
After that I dont know...I hope what my plans are will allow me the flexibility in work to manage my disease.

Life used to be able living and pushing myself to the limits.
It is now about living with the least amount of pain possible.
What the hell happened???
I still enjoy it all, but this disease has really made it alot harder.
I just want to be normal again....
is that too much to ask???

Sep. 28th, 2010

Life keeps marching on and I try to keep up.
I am happier now that I have been in a long time.

Just restless...very restless.

TN is home yes. I grew up here and my family is here. But I have never "fit" in here very well and its starting to wear on me. I came back 5 years ago when I saw that time with my Grandpa was quite short. And I was right. I got to spend two good years with him before he left this world. But now I have no reason to be here. I stayed since I was tied to Jonah...but staying just added to the fact I was not happy.
So now I have the ability to leave. I had always considered going back to Atlanta and thats where I am heading.
There will be old friends there, a really good massage school, and a place that I think I can really call home waiting for me there.
The only thing is I need to sell my house.
Which has been on the market for a month. Not a long time really, but I just fear it will take forever to sell.
I hate sitting in limbo for my life to go on. I have a plan and something I want to do. So me being me I want to do it NOW. Not in an unknown amount of time.
Bleh.
But once the house sells I am free to leave.
I will start school and hopefully set myself up for a new full time career of working with both horses and people. I would LOVE to do horses and their riders and work to correct both of their positions to improve performance. How cool would that be?

I mean I love being a vet tech but in the long run it is wearing my body down. Add in I am underpaid for the large amount of work I do and it is not worth it. So I have been wanting to move on to a new path for some time.
I will miss it but I am excited about the possibilities the massage will bring me.

I will also be glad to be able to see Vern a lot more. It is just a good situation all around. It took over 12 years to get to this point and it is blowing my mind. A whole new experience for me and I am loving every minute of it. I can say for the first time I am happy, content, and worry free in a relationship.
It feels damn good.

So I have a lot of good things to look forward to, but the waiting can kill me at times. I hate the unknown and that is where I am at. Not knowing anything. No control of my life. I am too much of a Moretz to deal well with it, and it is showing right now.

So on night like this I sit and brood. How..something..of me. The wine probably isn't helping at all. haha.

Oh well.

Just a song that while has always fit me, but over the last few years has hit home. I am finding out how to make my life my own and I have to say I wish I had learned that lesson alot sooner.

**Random Witty Comment Here**

So this is really just a dumping ground for my thoughts that just a small handful read. But that is alright as I do not need a large audience and in fact prefer it not to be that way.

Life has changed dramatically in the last..oh I don't know....3 months??
Obviously it started with the decision for the divorce. And really for both of us I am not sure why the hell we didn't decide on it A LOT sooner. Or shit why we even got married to begin with. I sadly look back and realize I had many reservations going into the situation and never should have "taken the leap" at that moment in my life.

I had a lot of emotions still tied to Aric. Mainly in that I felt no real closing occurred and some things where left in limbo. Time and thought have fixed that now. But at that time in my life (IE. 5 years ago) I was still one screwed up girl in the head. I jumped at the first chance to be "normal" and I didn't even realize what I was doing. I tried to make things work since I had never been successful before. I felt that as I approached 30 I should stop being a fuck up in the relationship department. *snort* Yeah didn't really do that did I?

I have to say I grew as a person over the last 4 years so not all was in vain. And I would like to think that Jonah did as well. I understand myself better than ever before. Plus those demons I have always drug around with me quite possibly might be gone for good. I now see what I want from life, not just what others expect me to do. I feel whole again and feel myself. And in a way Jonah did help do that. But the two of us were never meant to be together and especially not married. I think we were both desperate to be in a normal relationship and went way beyond trying to make it work for way too long.

The fact that in reality the real relationship has been over for quite some time is why I am totally ready to move on in life. The "quite some time" is really more like almost the whole marriage. I had doubts going in, and the cause of those doubts just got bigger and more obvious. Let me just say I thought the fibro had taken away every bit of sex drive I ever had...which generally was a fairly good one. But it wasn't my disease it was just us. A very big indicator really that was just ignored and blamed on other reasons.
Blah.

So in the end I have moved on. I put the two of us behind me a good bit ago, way before we offically decided to call it. I think in a way he did too.
And after talking we both decided the waiting period is BS and that we are fine with the other dating already.
For me this has brought along an opportunity I had long given up on. To me it seemed life was just fucking cruel and laughing at the two of us. Vern has been a very good friend of mine for over 12 years now. And that entire time we have had this unspoken "thing" for one another. We both knew it. All our friends could see it. But neither of us were ever single at the same time. Until now.

So we are taking that chance we have been denied. I think things are going to be really good for us.
Vern has always just "gotten" me while others rarely have. He knows pretty much everything about me and has seen me at my worst. And even with that he still is interested and likes me! Which is saying a lot...or at least in my book.

I got to spend the last week or more with him and it was amazing. Possibly the best week ever. OK yea it was...only was missing my Gracie Mare. He took me camping for my birthday and then we headed to his place in Atlanta and chilled for a week. Did end up going to DragonCon for a day.
Words don't really do any justice to describe how I feel about the week and about him. So I am not even going to really try.
Overall in the back of my head for years and years I have always had a feeling about Vern and I. And I am seeing that feeling was kinda right on the mark.
This is where I should have been a long time ago.
Or would I realize it had I not gone through the hell that I have in my life?
To be honest probably not.

I had one chance right after Aric to get involved with Vern. And I didn't take it. There was just
"something" holding me back. I think it was my subconscious saying it wasn't time.
So there you go...fate dictated it was to be our time now and not earlier. I wont argue with it.
CAUSE ITS FUCKING AWESOME!!!

So beyond that I work like crazy. Just trying to stay afloat and pay all my bills. Mainly my house payment. Which BTW is on the market now. Going to try to sell it before I move to Atlanta. Which I have decided I am doing. There is a massage school that really seems to be what I want. Plus Vern is there. And well a bigger city which I miss living in.

The horse massage is growing. I am getting some new and very good clients. Plus maintaining many of the ones I have seen in the past. Slowly but surely my name is getting out there and it seems to be a positive one.
I think adding in the knowledge I will gain from human massage school will take my horse work up to the next level. Hoping I can move my practice down to Atlanta where there is a bigger horse community.

Gracie has had a lot of time off. Between banging herself up...giant seroma on the stifle for over a month, bad cut on her hind fetlock, and random swollen front knees...has kept her out of work. Add in I was working so much I barely saw her and we were just doomed. So today I started her back in work. Just a short lunge session. I will lunge her a few times before I get on her. The damn mare has to get her mind around the idea of work again.
Plus the two of us have both gained weight and need to get back in shape!
I put on more than I care to admit too. Ugh. Mainly thanks to three weeks of pet sitting and never being home to eat real food. Then compound that with no exercise on a routine basis and I was fucked. So going to buckle down and try to eat as well as I can. And get my ass back in the saddle. I have found NOTHING that gets the pounds off faster than a good riding program. Or at least for me. Running and normal gym stuff has never worked.
So Gracie is my personal exercise machine!!!

Life is good. No life is GREAT. And it has been a really long time since I could say that.
I kinda like how it looks on me.
*giant grin*

Moving out and moving on...

So Gracie left Merry Hour Farm today. I have to say in some ways I will miss being a boarder there and in other ways I wont at all.
Mainly paying that 450 a month will SOOO not be missed. That and some of the newer crazy boarders. The one who never puts a halter on her horse really takes the cake. Damn horse goes where ever he wants!!

I will miss the rings. The indoor and the outdoor have fabulous footing. I will miss the peeps out there I was friends with. Though I will still get to met them.

But spent the day packing up all my horsey items. I own a freaking TON of tack...I have no idea how I have accumilated all this stuff! And to boot it is all freaking purple...not that I complain about that. ;p
so my truck is packed full of all my tack and things. Tina plans to clean out her tack room Wednesday so I can move myself in to a clean space.
Gracie went over this afternoon once Tina was home from work. We had to string up a new section of hot tape to allow her and her new buddy Zach access to the stalls during the day. The horses are all on 24 hour turnout but can go hang in the stalls during the hot part of the day..or really whenever they want.

Literlly just had to walk her across the fields to "move" her. All was ok till I smashed my left ring finger in the damn gate. It is HUGE, purple, and all chewed up looking. I thankfully didnt break it. But still hurts like a bitch.
But got Gracie over none the less. She greeted the three boys who were in their stalls. Then Tina let her and Zach out together. At first Gracie just ignored him and took a nice gallop around her new digs.
Then she got all flirty with him...and she is a spayed horse but I couldnt tell that today!!!! But they really got along well, and where both grooming each other when I left.

So I think this will work well for her and me. One more way for me to get back on my feet finacially. Ugh.
I can look at my budget and my paychecks and I get depressed. I am going to be struggling to stay on top of it all.
Really need to get a roomie..even for the few months I MIGHT be in the area still. ATL is still looking quite tempting. Better massage schools, better jobs, better dressage community, and well maybe some better friends and such.

Jonah is slated to leave the house this Saturday. Thank god...it only took two months! Which is crazy to think it has only been that long since this all started. Cause like I have said before things ended a long while ago...neither of us really admitted to it out loud.
So life can move on after that. I can reclaim my house as mine and get it redecorated as I see fit. (Geez I may have to much fun with that. ;p)
And in no time at all the paperwork that has been signed long ago...will finally be official once I stand in front of that judge.
I'll be damned if the next time I do this (if I ever get to) I am going to make damn sure. None of this has been fun, and I dont really want a repeat. But I might just be a bit smarter now, and know a little bit more of what I want in life..and for myself.
I just was trying to hard to fit into the "norm" for some reason. Which is totatlly not me..and probably why I was so fucking depressed.
Next time it is for me and by my rules. Not someone elses.

Anyways...
Back to work tomorrow. Two days at the clinic..then off Thursday but doing a Pony Club talk that afternoon. Then back to the clinic for another two days. I might actually have a day off Sunday that I dont have to do Jack/Shit. That doesnt happen very often.
Have I mentioned I work too damn much???
Yea I do...and to be honest it is fucking with me and my fibro. But I dont even let on to anyone about how much pain I am in. Cause really what good will it do, and what will change? Nothing. I need the money so I work and work some more. And then with the little free time I have I deal with life stuff like bills, groceries, cleaning the house, horses/cats, etc.
Sure I am being bad about my one med I am on..but truthfully it doesnt do much. It only takes a slight edge off my joint pain..but not the muscle or fascia pain which plaques me the most. All leading to me sleeping like shit. Bleh...ok now I am bitching. Going to stop that.
Man up and all that.

Speaking of sleep I think I will start heading off to do that. Got a date with one of the Black Company Series books. Good stuff.